Domestic abuse victim shares harrowing story as Hertfordshire Police launches new policy

A domestic abuse victim has shared her harrowing story as Hertfordshire Police is changing its approach to identifying coercive behaviour.

Hertfordshire Constabulary is using a risk assessment process to help police officers more effectively assist domestic abuse victims.

From 1 July, all officers will use the new bespoke domestic abuse risk assessment, which is designed to make sure they ask probing questions to help identify coercive and controlling behaviour.

“This is a big change in how we respond to domestic abuse incidents,” said Detective Chief Inspector Andrea Dalton from the Domestic Abuse Investigation and Safeguarding Unit (DAISU).

“The new risk assessment was designed specifically for frontline officers to help them more easily identify coercive and controlling behaviour – the form of domestic abuse which presents one of the greatest threats of harm to victims.”

She added: “I’d like to thank Sharon for her bravery in sharing her experiences and would urge anyone reading this, who is in a situation like Sharon’s, to know there is help out there for them. You can contact the police for help or alternatively speak to the Herts Domestic Abuse Helpline.”

“If he didn’t kill me, I’d have killed myself,” said Sharon, 46, from Watford.

She was a successful confident woman when she met her boyfriend – but after their brief nine-month relationship, she had lost her children, her

career, her confidence, her money, she had been physically and emotionally abused and even ended up with a criminal record.

After quickly moving into her family home in 2018, he took control of Sharon’s finances racking up £23,000 in debt and he regularly physically abused her and controlled her.

She said: “The worst thing was not the bruises, but the fact that my children couldn’t live here anymore – I’d make sure my daughter was out of the house as I knew what was coming. I tried to cover up for him, making excuses like I’d been in a car accident. I’d wake up every day in physical pain, but after a while I didn’t feel the pain. I’m angry at myself for allowing it to happen but by then I was completely broken – I was like a puppet on a string.”

On one occasion, he tried to strangle her, broke her cheek bone, fractured her eye socket and pulled out six inches of her hair in a hotel room. “I didn’t even feel my hair being torn out – I was numb with pain,” Sharon added.

A week later, he broke her eye socket.

She said: “I didn’t see my friends and family. It was carnage every day – how did I live like that? How does anyone live like that? It’s so hard to describe. He was a physically big man and I was terrified of him. I’d lost myself. He would treat me like a child – tell me what to wear, how to wash up and I was trained to take him to lunch every day.

“My biggest regret is the impact this has had on my children – both at the time and their relationships now. Social services got involved. The frustrating thing is that I know I’m a great mum, but I let myself and my kids down. Luckily, I have a great relationship with my children, but they have seen and heard things that children shouldn’t be exposed to, and it will have a lasting effect on them.”

Sharon started drinking and before long was drinking heavily. She also overdosed during this period. She said: “I went from having the world at my feet to

becoming a mere shadow of myself. He destroyed me and every aspect of my life and I was left with nothing.”

In 2020 she was caught drink driving.

She said: “I had to get rid of everything in the house – most of it was damaged anyway, but anything that reminded me of him, including cutlery. I’ve become a bit of a recluse – not venturing out to see people in case I bump into him. I always think I might see him and that frightens me. I had 18 panic attacks in one day and took an overdose. My home of 23 years is full of horrible memories. I’m now moving as I need to leave it all behind. I want to go out, I want to go to work again, I want my freedom. I want to be normal again. I am getting there but it’s been so hard. I still get flashbacks.”

The effects of the short-term relationship are still felt four years later, but Sharon’s prospects are looking up as she has found a job as a prison officer.

She said: “I wasn’t able to go back to working for the NHS because everyone knew what had happened and I now have a criminal record – which I have for life - and I couldn’t go back to being an air hostess either for the same reason, so I had to look for a new career.”

Sharon has had the support of an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) for support and safeguarding measures were put in place by the Domestic Abuse Investigation and Safeguarding Unit (DAISU) including a panic alarm and he was given strict bail conditions. Sharon has done numerous domestic abuse courses for victims as well as mental health and well-being courses.