She aims to put on a stone and a half in a year.

Each week Lizzie posts part of her diary describing how she is finding the challenge.

To sponsor Lizzie visit www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi.

Diary entry: 2nd February

I have this strange dichotomy. Part of me wants more care, part wants less. Part of me can't understand how little he wants to know about what is going on and part of me totally understands it. But unfortunately this is going on and until it is endured and resolved, it is not just going to disappear. However much we pretend, however long we go and play games, it's still here until we make it go away. I cannot get away from the fact that I have to eat more, I have to tolerate the feeling of eating more than I want, of having to finish everything and have dessert. I'm scared that I'm still tempted to duck out and not have what I probably should. I know how much I should be eating, I'm not stupid. Just scared. I'm scared of completely committing and scared of not committing. If I don't go the whole hog (oink) then I'm just prolonging it. And if I do commit? Then what? What exactly is it that scares me? Is it as simple as fear of the unknown? And why is that worse than the known? Try it, you might like it. And if you don't, don't keep doing it. Oh I don't know.
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If I'm functioning at this weight, do I really need to change? I need to really think about my motivation. Familiarity breeds contempt. No that's not the simile I'm looking for. Maybe familiarity breeds complacency. Well, something is making me think that perhaps I can exist at this weight. But that's all it is, Lizzie. Existing. Not living. I need another kick up the bony backside because I'm in real danger of re-calibrating my normality gauge.


Diary entry: 4th February

Maybe I should concentrate on the positives. The trouble is, that if I do I'm in danger of kidding myself that I'm doing alright and I'm not sure I am. I haven't done enough this week. I've failed on the Clinutren front and have done nothing to make up for that. I've disappointed myself and I think Hannah must be a bit pee-ed off. There I go again - started off wanting to write about positives and instead I've gone on about what I haven't done.
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Perhaps that is because there hasn't been much progress this week. Although there has - I know I keep harking back to lunch, but I am really chuffed. I'm pleasantly surprised by how quickly my body has accommodated it. I actually found myself quite enjoying it today. Barry was ever so sweet and volunteered to buy fresh bread (along with milk - but more of that anon) so we had rather yummy smoked salmon sandwiches together. A slight change from him having to sit opposite me eating a braeburn cut into eighths for months on end. This week I'm going to try having a milky drink before I go to bed which is something we had to do in the Priory. It's an obvious thing to do (shame I hate milk) - not only does it have a chance to reach those places it needs to without being burned off, it has the added bonus of inducing a honey-heavy dew of slumber.
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During my incarceration I patented "Chorlicks" - a carefully guarded secret blend of hot chocolate and horlicks. (Another of my inventions was "flutter" which was immediately banned as behavioural. Which led me to question of where one draws the line between preference and behaviour. I disliked their slightly rancid tasting individual pats of salted butter and found the prescribed volume of flora rather copious. By using half of each I got the lesser of the two evils. But despite them being equivalent in terms of calories, I was not allowed to have it. It nearly led to my discharge. Ok, looking back, it does seem pretty bonkers, but it mattered at the time. Maybe you had to be there.)
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Anyway back to Chorlicks. I'm just a bit worried that I'll still be too full after dinner, but I guess there's a pretty simple solution - eat earlier (durr). It'll feel uncomfortable for a bit, but whats a bit of discomfort in the grand scheme of things?

Diary entry: 5th February

Today is going to go down as an all time low. However bad you think you're going to feel, it can't be as bad as this. Do something.

'If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.' Maya Angelou.
Posted by Hannah at 8:41 AM 0 comments

Diary entry: 5th February

I was right, I hadn't done enough. My weight was exactly the same. Boring. As Barry quite rightly said - people are just going to lose interest. Actually, I'm losing interest, got to do something dramatic this week or I'll be accused of procrastinating again.

"It is the unknown that excites the ardour of scholars, who, in the known alone, would shrivel up with boredome" Wallace Stevens.

Mim is right - I look ghastly. My face, which had always belied the fact that the rest of me is emaciated, is starting to look haggard. My eyes are sunken and embedded dark circles, and my mouth looks too big. Garry once said he thought I'd "had some work done". No - if the rest of your head resembles something from the Jivaro Clan, it's inevitable your features appear out of proportion. I need to do something, and fast. Carpe diem and all that.



Diary entry: 6th February

Today has got to be the day I do something. I have to. I can't have another day like yesterday. Anything is going to be better than that chasm of despair I found myself in. Please try it. For Hannah, for the hospice, for your friends, for Mim, for Barry. For yourself. Stop thinking and start doing. And try to keep breathing, it helps.

Why do i just want to scream? I'm like a raving lunatic sometimes. Irrational, illogical, irascible and irritable. Or like Regan O'Neill. Now undo the straps.

Why do I want to fight what is good for me? I was determined today was going to be pivotal and it is. Testament to that is that at the time of writing, I am sipping Clinutren Number 2 (Grapefruit flavour since you ask) No half measures. If nothing changes this week, it's not going to. Yes I'll kick and scream at every new mountain of food I have to scale (although it would be easier for all involved if I got on with it quietly). I will feel better but I'm bound to feel worse first. There is no other way out. I've burnt my bridges now I've got to lie in them.

There, as if by magic, the Clinutren is finished. Mind over matter. My face feels like it is burning up - cheeks have gone all pink. This will pass. Keep breathing, it's ok. Makes a change, feeling too hot. I don't like it though. I thought these things were supposed to be easily assimilated. Could have fooled me.

There have been a few comments about the lack of weight gain and the pros and cons of hospital admission. All of them helpful especially from those who have been through this either themselves or with a daughter. Obviously Hannah and I have discussed it and know that if nothing changes this week she is throwing in the towel and I'll admit defeat. I have to remind myself that defeat isn't the worst of failures, the true failure is not to have tried. And have we tried! And I'm still trying (yes, I know, very trying. Ha ha) But failure can be turned into success if you learn from it. Picasso said that action is the foundational key to all success, so its a good job I have started doing something.

I found myself asking myself why I was scared of enjoying my dinner. It was actually quite nice for a change (I have developed a habit of ruining whatever I make and then having to force myself to eat it, however dried out & desiccated it has become). But rather than enjoying it, I almost had to invent ways not to. Bizarre. I gave myself a good talking to (first sign of madness, talking to yourself. Muttering) and forced myself to return to the feelings of 'yes - this tastes nice'. Plus it's good for you, it's the right thing to do etc. etc. And I got on with it. Was I worried by the fact that, 2 Clinutrens down, I should be too full to merit enjoyment - I shouldn't be "hungry" for more. Or if I finish it I will be so full. It's not that hard so stop making it. The Clinutren did go down. You didn't cease digesting - the feeling did wear off. And you've really achieved something today. Don't spoil it now. And don't you dare be tempted to not do the same tomorrow.


Diary entry: 8th February

This is it, no more increases. No more until we know how this is working. I can't keep eating more and more. Every day Hannah tries to introduce yet another snack, but this is where I draw the line. Let me get used to this for now.

Diary entry: 9th February

"It seems to me that our 3 basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it; and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied; and it is all one." (M. F. K. Fisher)

I do not like this feeling at all. I need to be able to talk it through with someone. I hate feeling full, it troubles me but I have no idea why. I know it is the right thing but it is very hard to cope with on your own. There is no-one I can talk to about it. Hannah's attitude (understandably) is just f****** do it. I can sense the eye roll when I tell her how full I am, that I can't eat any more, that I feel sick, fat, whatever. And yes, it does sound psychotic sometimes. But this is an illness and although I am trying to get through it, I'm finding it hard to unravel all these knotted skeins of neuroses alone. I think I need to be talking to someone while I gain the weight. How do I stop myself panicking. How do I know when it is enough. How do I trust that what Hannah tells me I should be eating is right? Of course it is predictable that I will think it is too much, but what if it really is and totally unreasonable? I just about managed yesterday's quotient (less 1 snack) but I am not doing quite so well today. H said I'd better get on with it or I'll never get through it by bedtime. True, but doesn't really help on the angst front. I've had to invest in some Rescue Remedy (although I'd probably do just as well with an aliquot of Calvados) to try to calm myself down. But I still feel like a bloody munchkin. Pilsbury doughman. With currants for eyes. Will I ever feel hungry again?

There is a Hawaiian saying that you shouldn't eat until you are full but eat until you are tired. Well I'm tired now. Jaw ache. I've hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of capacity today. Which is a shame, because yesterday was really good. But I couldn't cram any more in today, so am two snacks down. I just had to let it filter down a bit. I don't know whether it was panic, physical satiation or a bit of both but I had to ease off a touch. Still, I've done really well on the meals and Clinutren so it is not all doom and gloom.



Diary entry: 11th February
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I really, really do not want to go to this appointment at Cotswold House but I know I need to, if only to remind myself what I am trying to avoid. Hannah has said she will come with me, although why I should inflict it on her, God only knows. I don't really know how to approach it. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and winding myself up and just get on with something else. Like what? Eating? (again already)

This is not going well, my stomach is doing somersaults. I've dosed up on the RR but it doesn't seem to be working. Bloody homeopathic crap. Where's the real stuff? Despite having to eat it earlier than either of us wanted, Barry and I had a dejeuner sur l'herbe (somehow a cheese sandwich out on the deck doesn't have the same ring to it) and it was lovely. Sun shining, just talking. And it was really, like, normal.

Well we went (to Cotswold House] and I don't know what to say really. I get the feeling Hannah has had enough, which is slightly demoralising. I know I can't expect her to be optimistic whatever, but I am starting to feel like she is doing it slightly grudgingly. Which is not to say I blame her. She must feel pretty fed up herself - as though she is the only one who really wants it, and that I am not fully committed. But I am. I have to be now. And I think one thing that has come out of today is that I need to get a wiggle on, dragging it out is going to make it more painful for all involved. If I've got to go through feeling like this (and I do, whether it is here or in hospital) I may as well force myself to feel a bit worse. Is adding two more snacks together going to be worse than one this week and one the next? It is not going to be easier waiting until I am used to it - I probably never will be. Someone likened it to ripping off a plaster. Do you ever remember it being less painful if you picked it off gradually? But we are not really going to know anything until we see what the scales say tomorrow.

Nikky (Boughton) emphasised that at a BMI of 13, it was nigh on impossible to gain weight as an outpatient and I can understand why. Even if one does manage to gain a decent amount one week, how do you continue to gain and prevent yourself panicking? Also as an outpatient there are too many opportunities to slip into old bad habits. So it is not going to work if I am not 100% committed, if I feel I have the option of bargaining, if I feel I have a choice. I don't. Either I do it completely or I don't. I cannot afford myself the luxury of choice. I have to stick to this regime, to Hannah's regime, unequivocally. I have to trust in her and do as she says. No question. The less I fight, the quicker and easier it will. Shut up and eat up. I'd have to if I was in there.

Diary entry: 12th February

Hallelujah!

Thank heavens for that. A rise of 0.6kg to 37.7kg. What a relief – something to show for all the effort. Now will they all believe me? All I have to do now is resist the temptation to ease off. I need to do this every week.

What has surprised me most is how genuinely pleased I am.

I think we could do with some advice on how to proceed. It would just be too predictable to let myself off the hook and not continue to gain. I am absolutely determined not to lose what I have worked so hard to gain, I mustn't slip backwards. But I am also, understandably, worried that this is too much to have put on in a week and will the weight just go up and up? Hannah is dead set on 3 meals, 3 snacks and 2 Clinutren but that is too much. The most I have managed so far is meals plus 2 Clinutren and 2 snacks but that was just for one day. Going on what Nicky said yesterday, I should be on 2000 calories which pretty much equates to what I feel is achievable and tolerable - meals plus 2 Clinutren and 1 snack (or 1 Clinutren and 2 snacks). Then we can see if that will give us a regular pound per week gain, if not, add another snack. I cannot risk panicking now. I have to do this again next week or i will lose any credibility I have managed to scrape up.
Posted by Hannah at 2:34 AM 15 comments
Weigh-in results
At long last...